Why You Keep Choosing the Same Type of Partner (And How to Stop)
By Yvonne Funmi
Have you ever looked at your exes… then looked at your current talking stage… then looked at yourself like:
“Wait. Is this a pattern?” 😭😂
Because somehow, even after all the heartbreak, voice notes, midnight tears, blocking and unblocking, emotional fasting and prayer points… you still find yourself dating the same type of person again.
Different name.
Different face.
Same behavior.
Same heartbreak ending. 💔
So what’s really going on?
Let’s talk about it.
⭐ 1. You’re Attracted to What Feels Familiar
This one will shock you.
Sometimes you don’t choose a person because they’re good for you… you choose them because they feel familiar.
If you grew up around:
✅ emotional distance
✅ shouting and withdrawing
✅ people who love only when it’s convenient
Your brain may think that’s what love feels like.
So when someone comes with peace and healthy love, your mind goes:
“Hmm… this feels boring.”
Meanwhile, the person giving you stress is giving you “chemistry.”
My sister, that’s not chemistry. That’s trauma bonding. 😂
⭐ 2. You Confuse Effort With Love
Let’s be honest…
Some of us believe love must be:
🔥 dramatic
🔥 stressful
🔥 unpredictable
🔥 full of “he will change” storylines
If the relationship is peaceful, we start asking:
“Is this real?”
“Why is he so calm?”
“Maybe he doesn’t love me enough.”
So we pick partners who give us:
📵 inconsistent texting
🙄 confusion
😢 emotional rollercoasters
Because we’ve learned to equate pain with passion.
⭐ 3. You’re Trying to “Fix” Someone
You know that savior mentality?
“This one just needs love.”
“I can help him grow.”
“He has potential.”
“She’s only toxic because of her past.”
Listen…
You are not a rehabilitation center. 😭
You are not a therapist.
You are not a missionary.
Dating someone for who they could be instead of who they are will keep you in cycles.
Potential is not a partner.
⭐ 4. You Ignore Red Flags Because You Want the Story
Let’s be honest — we love story. 😂
Some relationships start with:
“We met in the rain.”
“He traveled 3 hours to see me.”
“We talked until 4am.”
But the real story later becomes:
“I should have left when he raised his voice the first time.”
Sometimes we see the red flags early, but we want the relationship to work so badly that we pretend not to notice.
Until the heartbreak slaps sense back into us.
⭐ 5. You Don’t Know What You Actually Want
When someone asks:
“What do you want in a partner?”
Most people say:
“God-fearing.”
“Caring.”
“Loyal.”
“Hardworking.”
But when someone who actually has these qualities shows up, you’re like:
“Ehn… I don’t feel sparks.”
Then you go for the emotionally unavailable person who gives you butterflies and headaches.
✅ So, How Do You Stop Choosing the Same Type?
Let’s get practical 👇
⭐ 1. Define Your Non-Negotiables
Not “tall, bearded, fine boy with money.” 😂
REAL relationship values like:
✅ emotional availability
✅ respect
✅ communication
✅ consistency
✅ kindness
Write them down.
If someone doesn’t meet them… don’t proceed.
⭐ 2. Stop Falling for “Potential”
If you catch yourself saying:
“He will change.”
Pause.
Ask:
“Is he changing NOW?”
Not in the future.
Not when life settles.
Not when he becomes successful.
Now.
If the answer is no, move.
⭐ 3. Choose Peace Over Drama
Peace is not boring.
Peace is:
💛 security
💛 emotional safety
💛 clarity
💛 steady love
If someone gives you peace, don’t push them away because you’re used to chaos.
⭐ 4. Heal Your Patterns
The truth?
Your relationships are often mirrors of your internal wounds.
If every partner is:
❌ unavailable
❌ emotionally distant
❌ inconsistent
You may need to look inward.
Therapy, mentorship, prayer, self-reflection — whatever helps you heal.
⭐ 5. Slow Down
Most relationship mistakes happen because we rush.
Talking stage today… dating tomorrow… heartbreak next week.
Take your time.
Observe.
Ask questions.
Watch behavior.
Love is not urgent.
✅ Final Thoughts
If you keep choosing the same type of partner, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means there’s a pattern you haven’t broken yet.
The moment you start choosing:
✅ peace over chaos
✅ reality over potential
✅ consistency over vibes
Your whole love life will change.
You deserve a love that doesn’t drain you.
A love that feels safe.
A love that stays.
✨ Question for you:
Have you ever realized you were dating the same type of person repeatedly? How did you break the cycle?
Drop a comment! 💬🔥